WAIT? Why.

So. I was all set to write this post last night and do you know what happened? The window where I am writing these very words had a little gray and white spinning wheel and WOULD NOT let me write a single word! So, I had to WAIT. I tried a little later, still not working. And then I tried again. Nope. Okay, well. Apparently I need to WAIT. And WAIT, I did. Any guesses on what I was planning to write this post about? You guessed it. WAITING.

Fast forward to this morning and I guess the timing is right now because the little gray and white spinning wheel went away and I am able to type words here again. I wonder now why I had to wait? It is possible the answer to that "why" will be revealed to me at some point, but for now I simply do not know.

Which leads me to the original intent of this post. I lost my job. No, I didn't lose it just now, but I lost it in the fall and NO, I didn't get fired. I guess you could say that I was "let go". Basically, I worked for a non-profit organization and they no longer had the money to pay me. Honestly, I worked there for two years and I half expected at any point during that time for my boss to turn to me and say, "Guess what? I can't pay you anymore.". And when the time did come, his words were not far off from that.

Ironically, I felt a peace about it the whole time. I never felt like God had abandoned me or that we would not be able to make it financially. I learned during a very difficult financial journey last year (mind you that journey is not over) that He will take care of us. Always. Without fail. He might not do it in a comfortable amount of time (or in a comfortable way), but He will do it. There is a saying, "God Is Never Late; He's Seldom Early; He's Always Right On Time". I have found this to be true. And believe me, that theory was tested last year. A LOT.

Here's the thing, though. Even though we were in this tough financial position and  I had lost my job, I felt like God was telling me to "wait" for Him. Now don't get me wrong, it was not a big booming voice from heaven. To me, when God speaks, it is more of a "sense". As in I sense that I should or should not do something. And for some reason, I was sensing that I should WAIT. Time and time again that word kept coming up to me. So, I did. I waited. And I waited and I waited.

Some might think that would be easy. I mean I wasn't working, I was free to do whatever I wanted, right? But honestly? It was one of the hardest times of my life, for other reasons than the obvious one, but let me assure you, that waiting is NOT EASY. I kept thinking...

1) "But God, people are going to think that I'm lazy and I just don't want to work!" 

2) "God, we need the money!" 

3) "God, I could do this job or that job, couldn't I?"

But do you know how He answered those questions?

1) SO? WAIT.

2) I KNOW. WAIT.

3) NO. WAIT.

The underlying message of "WAIT" was there EVEN through the holidays when we really needed the money. So, I waited and He provided in surprising and miraculous ways each and every month.

Wow. This is getting long, but please bear with me.

So, I waited through the holidays as well and it almost got to the point that when he lifted the "WAIT". I wan't sure I heard him right. But He did. He lifted the waiting and guided me in a direction, He "okayed" my each and every step and here I am at the end result. I am teaching Kindermusik again. I won't go into the whole story because this is getting dreadfully long and I haven't entirely gotten to the point yet! Long story short? I used to do that (teach Kindermusik) and stopped. I didn't think I would ever be doing it again, but here I am. If you had asked me six months ago or six weeks ago if this was what I would be doing, I would NOT have believed you. But this is where I am and I believe it is for a reason and I am seeing now the "WHY" in His wait.

You see all during that wait time, I was going through a very difficult time with a friend. Ultimately that time ended in the loss of our friendship and I believe that God knew I needed time to grieve that loss. Yes, it was that big of a loss. I care. A LOT. I have lost one maybe two friendships of any significance in my life and none so volatile and hurtful as this. This was a big deal. A difficult process to muddle through. I'm not sure what use I would have been at any employer during that time. God used that time to draw me closer to Him. He taught me that telling the truth in love is HARD, but absolutely necessary. He taught me that my worth is not in any relationship, but the one I have with HIM. I had time to seek answers in His word, to listen to what He had to say, and to pray like I have never prayed before. I wish I had a happy ending to that story, but so far? I don't. He's still saying, "WAIT." I pray He is working. I know He is working. I believe he is working.

I wonder why I have to WAIT. I don't want to WAIT. It's hard. But I will continue to do so until He lifts the "WAIT. I will trust Him and pray with all hope that He someday allows me the honor of seeing the WHY in HIS WAIT.