Thursday, January 6, 2011

WAIT? Why.

So. I was all set to write this post last night and do you know what happened? The window where I am writing these very words had a little gray and white spinning wheel and WOULD NOT let me write a single word! So, I had to WAIT. I tried a little later, still not working. And then I tried again. Nope. Okay, well. Apparently I need to WAIT. And WAIT, I did. Any guesses on what I was planning to write this post about? You guessed it. WAITING.

Fast forward to this morning and I guess the timing is right now because the little gray and white spinning wheel went away and I am able to type words here again. I wonder now why I had to wait? It is possible the answer to that "why" will be revealed to me at some point, but for now I simply do not know.

Which leads me to the original intent of this post. I lost my job. No, I didn't lose it just now, but I lost it in the fall and NO, I didn't get fired. I guess you could say that I was "let go". Basically, I worked for a non-profit organization and they no longer had the money to pay me. Honestly, I worked there for two years and I half expected at any point during that time for my boss to turn to me and say, "Guess what? I can't pay you anymore.". And when the time did come, his words were not far off from that.

Ironically, I felt a peace about it the whole time. I never felt like God had abandoned me or that we would not be able to make it financially. I learned during a very difficult financial journey last year (mind you that journey is not over) that He will take care of us. Always. Without fail. He might not do it in a comfortable amount of time (or in a comfortable way), but He will do it. There is a saying, "God Is Never Late; He's Seldom Early; He's Always Right On Time". I have found this to be true. And believe me, that theory was tested last year. A LOT.

Here's the thing, though. Even though we were in this tough financial position and  I had lost my job, I felt like God was telling me to "wait" for Him. Now don't get me wrong, it was not a big booming voice from heaven. To me, when God speaks, it is more of a "sense". As in I sense that I should or should not do something. And for some reason, I was sensing that I should WAIT. Time and time again that word kept coming up to me. So, I did. I waited. And I waited and I waited.

Some might think that would be easy. I mean I wasn't working, I was free to do whatever I wanted, right? But honestly? It was one of the hardest times of my life, for other reasons than the obvious one, but let me assure you, that waiting is NOT EASY. I kept thinking...

1) "But God, people are going to think that I'm lazy and I just don't want to work!" 

2) "God, we need the money!" 

3) "God, I could do this job or that job, couldn't I?"

But do you know how He answered those questions?

1) SO? WAIT.


3) NO. WAIT.

The underlying message of "WAIT" was there EVEN through the holidays when we really needed the money. So, I waited and He provided in surprising and miraculous ways each and every month.

Wow. This is getting long, but please bear with me.

So, I waited through the holidays as well and it almost got to the point that when he lifted the "WAIT". I wan't sure I heard him right. But He did. He lifted the waiting and guided me in a direction, He "okayed" my each and every step and here I am at the end result. I am teaching Kindermusik again. I won't go into the whole story because this is getting dreadfully long and I haven't entirely gotten to the point yet! Long story short? I used to do that (teach Kindermusik) and stopped. I didn't think I would ever be doing it again, but here I am. If you had asked me six months ago or six weeks ago if this was what I would be doing, I would NOT have believed you. But this is where I am and I believe it is for a reason and I am seeing now the "WHY" in His wait.

You see all during that wait time, I was going through a very difficult time with a friend. Ultimately that time ended in the loss of our friendship and I believe that God knew I needed time to grieve that loss. Yes, it was that big of a loss. I care. A LOT. I have lost one maybe two friendships of any significance in my life and none so volatile and hurtful as this. This was a big deal. A difficult process to muddle through. I'm not sure what use I would have been at any employer during that time. God used that time to draw me closer to Him. He taught me that telling the truth in love is HARD, but absolutely necessary. He taught me that my worth is not in any relationship, but the one I have with HIM. I had time to seek answers in His word, to listen to what He had to say, and to pray like I have never prayed before. I wish I had a happy ending to that story, but so far? I don't. He's still saying, "WAIT." I pray He is working. I know He is working. I believe he is working.

I wonder why I have to WAIT. I don't want to WAIT. It's hard. But I will continue to do so until He lifts the "WAIT. I will trust Him and pray with all hope that He someday allows me the honor of seeing the WHY in HIS WAIT.


JP's MOM said...

Such a wonderful reminder. Thank you Alana!

Janelle said...

I never would have dreamed that you would be doing KM again, either. But now? It seems so right. It will be blessed. I just know it.

Waiting is hard. In this fast-food instant gratification world it seems insane to have to wait for very long. We get so frustrated that things aren't happening FAST.

I just have to believe that it will all work out. All of it. Not a thing will God leave undone. Being open to what He wants to refine in us during the waiting is the key.

You are better because of it.

beth said...

I love you, sweet friend! You are such a blessing, and I trust God will pour out His abundant blessings on you and your precious family during the waiting, and at the end of the waiting. Thank you for being you. God is using you in mighty ways.

Shelley said...

I agree with Janelle, I never thought you'd go back to km, but since the first time you mentioned it to us, I was like, "Of course! It's perfect!". Gods timing is always perfect, but boy is it hard to remember that sometimes. :-). I am so blessed to have you for a friend.

Abigail (aka Mamatouille) said...

Alana, that's powerful, encouraging stuff!

Melissa @ Breath of Life said...

I get so much of the wait. It's TOUGH! But it seems like even your "real - life" friends know this is the perfect thing for you.

Know that I am right there with you in the waiting & the finances, friend. I'm so thankful for His provision & His mercies!

Lynn said...

Funny, I've been thinking about putting Adeline in a KM class. Too bad you don't live closer!!!

We have been in a season of waiting for about a year and a half. It has been really hard. Thanks for the inspiration.

Kristen said...

if we lived in btown mauryn would totally be going to kindermusik. she would love it... and keep you on your toes :o)

you are so patient and brave to wait and trust. all in His time. i hope that you are truly blessed through your job with KM and i KNOW the kids will be blessed by having you as a teacher.

Sara Carmichael said...

Yes, waiting...probably the hardest thing to do, and yet, as you know, it's the main thing His Word is always telling us to do. Why are we always in such a hurry? Maybe we know our days are numbered...and so very brief.

The loss of your friendship -- my heart is with you. I, too, have been having a hard time with a friend recently. It's been about two months now, and we'll see if we can patch things up. I don't know. It's also for telling the truth in love. It has NOT been easy to go through, for sure. Praying for you. Stay strong. You did the right thing. It's the mark of a true friend.

Carissa said...

i think tom petty may have said it best: "the waiting is the hardest part."

i'm excited for your new chapter. love you, friend!

Jamie said...

ALANA!! You just don't know how often God has been telling me to "wait" lately. Reading this is just another reminder. I don't want to!! Thanks so much for reminding me there is always a "why" in the "wait". I love you and wish we saw each other more often. As for the losing of the friendship, I respect your ability to tell the truth in love. Now think of this "waiting" as God giving your friend a chance to turn back to him. Maybe the waiting is less about you and more about her (or him?).

Denise said...

i've been waiting for 6yrs for a friendship to be mended. God telling me the same thing..."wait." what else can be done?
there has been mediation, i've gone to counseling. i've learned humility, obedience, and that this friendship doesn't define me, God does.

watermark's song "mended" helps me wait..
You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to you
(to you, oh Lord, to you)

so I wait..for his mending.

may you continue to follow God as he lead you in peace.