Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Sigh

I can't seem to put my thoughts into any sort of cohesive structure. Such as those little things we call sentences and paragraphs? I've attempted to write on a couple of different subjects and where sometimes the words just flow, tonight they need to be plucked, one by one.

And it's painful.

And I'm getting nowhere.

And I don't know why.

And I'm frustrated.

Because I have so much I want to tell.

Nothing earth shattering, mind you, just thoughts that I'd like to set free. Thoughts I'd like to formulate. Because when I do that, I seem to understand them better myself.

I'd like to explore how in looking at a picture of myself from 10 years ago this evening, I couldn't help but wonder who that person even was? How I not only didn't look the same, my very being was not the same. How I'd love to impart to that girl the wisdom I have attained in the years since that day. How I wish I could tell her that she was good enough, and pretty enough, and smart enough, and talented enough. And that even if she wasn't it would really be okay.

Sigh. If the words were flowing freely, I'd write about that, and more...

18 comments:

Janelle said...

Friend,

You ARE good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and talented enough. If only you could tell your 23 year old self that life gets better, hold on for a great ride!!!

I hope you are feeling that today. I have enjoyed the last seven years of that ride with you.

Sure love ya!

JP's MOM said...

Many a day I have thought the same thing.

The way we felt and acted 10 years ago has shaped us into the person we are today. And I love the person you are today!

Even when you slaughter me at scrabulous. :)

Jamie said...

I feel the same way sometimes, but I wouldn't trade places with that girl even if it meant I would instantly lose 30 pounds. I love my life.

Teresa said...

Amen sister! You were my kindred spirit friend then, and you are my kindred spirit friend now!! I agree with Jamie. I love my life. It is the struggles and the learning that we've done in the last ten years that contribute to who we are today!

Becoming Me said...

Your words may not have flowed freely but they still reached my heart.

Julie said...

YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL CREATION OF GOD INSIDE AND OUT!!! DO NOT FORGET THAT!!!

Kara said...

Having one of those days, huh? The good news is - those feelings will pass, and probably come again, only to pass once more. The journey of life and the cycle of a women's emotions and heart. Wow! God really made an intricate masterpiece there! :-) Hope today is a good one for you. Hoping the words will start pouring freely from your fingers so you can express what is on your heart. I know I feel the same way when I can finally get out what I am thinking!

P.S. Early 20's? They ain't got nothin' on the wisdom that starts happenin' in your 30's. :-)

Carissa said...

i want the thoughts to keep coming! cause i love where you are going with that. i need to have that talk with myself today! and everyday for that matter!!!

His Girl said...

I often daydream about talking to 'old me'-

and I wonder if I would have even listened...

that stuff is so hard to put into words, I know...

I can't wait to see what happens when you do!

Gotta GROW with it said...

moving post. i've seen that same girl in my old photos. sad to look at her. then i look in the mirror and rejoice! grace is what did it for this girl! thank you for such an honest post!

Earen said...

Oh, I can so relate! Some days words just don't flow for me either, but I ALWAYS enjoy reading what you write! Isn't it amazing how us women all struggle with the same issues...You have a beautiful heart!

Denise said...

these sentences hit me...
"thoughts that I'd like to set free. Thoughts I'd like to formulate. Because when I do that, I seem to understand them better myself."

I pray that God would speak truth to you,cover you,sing over you, be near, be the words you are looking for.

Xandra said...

It doesn't matter how much you write...it's always interesting! And it sounds like you are a much happier girl than you were 10 years ago. I sometimes wonder if I will look back in another 10 years and think the very same things. I guess that's part of maturing (physically and spiritually)...we learn to accept who we are and let go of the things that aren't important.

Xandra

Gray Matters said...

I was just feeling this way yesterday when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and had to do a double take . . .

Kenna Sue said...

I completely understand the seriousness of what you write. Anyone near or over 30 can relate because they've been there. It happens again at 40. It happens anytime someone introspective takes the time to do a little "housecleaning". I have to tell you, though, that while I've often wondered about my younger self the way you've wondered about yours, I would not be that age again. This time in my life is better than any other I've had in the past. I wouldn't trade youth for the knowledge and wisdom and discernment that I now have.

That being said, I have to let my humour seep in to maybe give you a laugh (hopefully). It's what I do, after all. "Good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough." Those words took me back to the early 90s SNL character Stuart Smalley (played by Al Franken) who said, as he looked in the mirror, "I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." And when he was in a "shame spiral"...? Well, he snapped himself right out of that and said, "That's stinkin' thinkin'!!"

If anyone doesn't remember that, then I feel REALLY OLD. But that's okay because I, too, as well as you, am good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!

Okay, enough. I'm through. I am ceasing and desisting!

Jennifer said...

Great post. We all feel that way from time to time....wheither it be 10 years ago...10 months ago...10 days ago....or 10 hours ago.
Bottom line is WE as women are always good enough, pretty enough, talented enough and smart enough. We are beautiful creations hand made by God and God don't make junk! How 'bout that??!!

Have a Great weekend!!

Heather said...

I look back and too wish I could talk to that girl! (of course not you ... me:) Hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it. However, the woman I am now is because of the mistakes that girl made. However, I wonder if I had only had a better view of myself and my God how it would change who I am now. God knew it all and knows it all and he uses it all :) Great post!

Anna said...

I love your blog. And I love that you are in the OZARKS...my daughter has been to camp there at Kanakuk and I just love the area because of fond memories!

Take care.